A common question expecting parents and those with new babies want to know is, why babies cry.
There are 3 main points to cover when answering this question for parents:
1. How we humans are wired and the effect on us.
What is it about our mind-body connection that can affect our level of anxiety?
What can parents and parents-to-be do to decrease anxiety levels and increase feelings of connectedness with their baby?
Why Do Babies cry?
Babies' method of communication is... you guessed it, crying. Of course, they cannot form words yet, nor do they have a grasp of your language yet. So they call their caregivers.
🔊 "Hey, I could use a diaper change here."
"My tiny belly could use s'more."
"Am I the only one feeling the draft in here?"
"Please quit staring at my mini cutie face and Put Me to Sleep Already."
How does the sound of babies crying affect us?
Now I invite you to think back to before you were becoming a mom, to a time when you heard the cries of a baby.
Was it at a family gathering? Maybe you could hear it, while you were grabbing groceries? Maybe you have had zero to do with babies since you were a child?
Can you recall the sound you heard? Were you elated, now knowing there was a baby in the building? Or did your brow possibly furrow, maybe your lips pierced with a bit with tension in your jaw or face? Did your pace speed up trying to head in the opposite direction of the noise?
Do you agree that we don't tend to like the way the sound of crying hits our ears?
Does it magically go away when you become a mother? A father?
You may have spent a lot of energy trying to become a parent and your love for your baby is super strong. Won't that change the sound to feel more like music to your ears?
No, it won't. However, there's a purpose to our automatic response to babies cries. The reason why babies cry is to alert us to getting their needs met by those around them.
When a baby cries and a caregiver comes to attempt to meet their need it can look like this. They try their first guess of what the baby needs and continue on trying until they've done what the baby called for, the need is met and the baby senses comfort and feeling safe. When this same thing happens more often, the baby feels reassurance they will be cared for and the bond now becomes stronger. This is an important part of growth and development.
This does NOT mean, as a parent, you are instantly expected to know what your baby needs at all times, especially when they are new. Nor does it mean, the need is to be instantly met.
Reality is, you may have your hands full with a toddler at the time or with the other twin, or the tray from the air fryer or your phone booking in an appointment. Lastly, gawd forbid you had to pee! Things happen. Panic can be catchy. This is not a reason to panic and run.
Knowing the bond between you and your child can grow stronger by meeting their needs is wonderful information to understand and a great way to care for your baby. (It is NOT useful to be used as a shaming tool for yourself nor any other mother.)
How do you know if your fight or flight response has been set off?
Now that we see the reason why babies cry, we need to understand that we are wired to have a physical response within our sympathetic nervous system, meaning you may feel or notice physical feelings like:
your heart beats faster
your breath rate speeds up
you stop breathing for a moment
you feel hot
your muscles tense up
your eyes may widen with bigger pupils
These are all effects that occur due to our startle response that we are not able to control. There are more. What each of us feels can be unique. These reactions happen automatically. Considering this, it's no wonder no one legit feels they want to hear a baby cry! The sound feels unsettling.
Why do babies' cries read as a threat to our nervous system?
Have you heard it explained that the noise of traffic or sounding alarm systems can set off our nervous system, causing us feelings of anxiety, because it sends a message to our brain to get ready for fight or flight? They say it's connected to the mechanism getting our ancestors out of danger's way in a hurry.
It would seem this is the last thing you need when trying to extend your calm to your brand new baby. For alarms to be set off when you're working on very little sleep, very little if any time to yourself and everything feels new and uncertain feels like a LOT!
However, it is going to happen. Your baby will cry and your nervous system will respond the way it was designed. Still, you will be able to handle it, get through it and continue on without holding onto the feeling of anxiety in your body by following the steps in the next section below.
In your case, there is no tiger ready to pounce on your child, nor is there a bear ready to snatch your baby out of the crib. (Psst and if I'm wrong here, I want to hear your story.) Make no mistake, your body will still send that type of message to your brain.
Luckily, that's not where our story ends today.
How can YOU reduce the stress you and your body face
with the nervous system's reaction to crying?
Psychologists have found that feelings need to be felt & acknowledged (ideally in the moment) rather than being stuffed and ignored. We also do well by having someone else share their regulated nervous system with us.
In our culture generally, it sadly is uncommon for a new mother or set of parents to be surrounded by other family and friends helping with necessary household tasks and all the things. Instead, many moms are left alone in this very new & different situation to support their new baby solely on their own, while their bodies are healing and so much more is going on. They may also feel such pressure to know what they are doing, be grateful and never ask for help. We were meant to raise children with the help of a village, rather than alone feeling isolated.
So if your situation is like this, it can be so effective to be able to follow steps that will help you to either become or to remain the calm one. Continue on to find out how.
The steps are small and take very little time. They are the tiniest big step you can make to prevent anxiety levels from rising and comforting your baby in the best way you can. This can make a world of difference not only in the bonding with your baby, but also all along your parenthood journey.
Bring Anxiety Levels Down In the Moment
Steps to Prevent Anxiety from Building when You Hear your Baby Cry:
Notice any physiological feelings happening in your body.
Acknowledge the emotion(s) you are experiencing.
Reassure yourself with a phrase telling yourself everything is okay and/or use physical comfort to help put yourself at ease, in whatever way is most settling to you.
Now you can easily arrive at your baby to share your calm and reassurance that things are all right and everyone's okay. Now you are able to think more clearly and attend to their need(s).
Sharing your calm to soothe your baby is one of the greatest teachings a parent can offer their child for their emotional development. This is referred to as co-regulation. In fact, self-regulation is also a great gift to yourself, in order to lessen the effects of situations that trigger the sympathetic nervous system.
The effects of your baby's cries are mitigated by bringing yourself back to a regulated state so your baby can also be regulated by you. The more you do this, the less it may affect you to begin with.
Please Note: You are human. We all make mistakes. You will too.
This does not change your value as a parent. It only means you are learning.
Following these steps is considered a practice. It is not what we are naturally inclined to do. Therefore, trying some of it and then taking on more of it over time is allowed. The more you try it, the more natural it will feel and the more your kiddo will pick up on it sooner in life. This skill will be needed throughout your entire parenthood journey! It will be utilized so many times, you couldn't begin to count.
Now we've answered the question, why do babies cry? You have the answer and know that it's natural and okay, even if your body tries to tell you otherwise.
You learned how crying affects our nervous systems and how we can mitigate it. This will increase your resilience and build onto a long-lasting connection with your child.
Who helps to soothe and co-regulate you? Sometimes we may be the last ones to be supported emotionally, but are expected to be the ones who do so for others around us. We all could use a little more. That includes mother's too.
If you could use support in handling the cries of your baby(ies) or even better, you want to get a jump on it by making a practice of regulating your nervous system ahead of your baby being born, I'd love to extend that support to you within our sleep program.
Step by step guidance based on your own situation is available. You'll want to look at the Baby Steps Sleep Program to feel the support it is offering you and other moms of newborns.
There is a wait list and you are welcome to join. Be the first to know when the program will begin. In the meantime, you will receive updates and tips on regulation, sleep and reminders to be good to yourself, on top of getting the word on any available offers or discounts.
No commitment is needed to get on our wait list. It costs nothing...that's right, zero dollars. Get your name on there, so you don't have to come back to it and you don't forget.
I love supporting moms to have an easier time than I did. Hope to get to hear from you soon. Take good care of yourself.
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